Today was an aweful day. Do you spell aweful with, or without the e? I was trying to figure that out all day.

First things first, it's pouring outside. I love when it rains. It brings all sorts of emotions up to the surface, and so where do I turn?

Xanga. Right here, to let them all out.

All morning I felt like crap. I was so irritable, and I couldn't figure out why, which just aggravated me all the more..

So after first period I went across the hall to Ms. V's like I always do. I knew that just seeing her would lift my spirits and put a smile on my face- it always does. This summer is going to be awe?ful without her. Look at that. There goes that E again.

As soon as I left her side, I was back to feeling like I have all day. I felt bad for my mom, because she was in such a good mood and I just couldn't contribute to the good mood as much as I feel I should have. I am constantly worrying too much about everyone else. I didn't want to hurt her feelings by being so unconversational.

What I think it is, is well... actually, it might be a lot. I think I'll make a list. Kill some time before Amy gets off work.

1. Totally just blanked out.

Let's start over.

1. Most importantly, that Amy and I won't work out. I'm so crazy about her, I know that it will just kill me inside. She's bisexual anyway, and she gave up a whole bunch of old, married men for me. Nice, right? Oh boy..

2. The guilt Krista is laying on me. That day she found out about Amy and  I? First thing she said to me when we sat down for lunch is- " Funny how things work out. The night I decide to break up with Stephen, and you're taken ". She was very persistent in getting the point across that I should have just waited. I waited for a month, I listened to how much she wants to be with me, and how sucky things were with she and Stephen, for a month. I grew sick of it because I realized that she obviously would rather have him, a male, over me. So why waste my time? But the second I'm with someone else, I get jumped all over. She gives me sarcastic remarks about how she's happy for me, and stuff I'd rather not here.

Well, I'm happy for her, because she found someone not a day after this drama, and after all, he's not leaving.

Just like I said he wouldn't.

Krista tells me that in the future, after Amy, we'll be together. I told her that in no way, whatsoever, would I even think of telling somebody that, giving false hope, sending "backup" signals. Who in the world knows where we will be, a week from now..

3. All my friends are graduating. I can't take any of my classmates. They are so young, and immature. Their worries extend no further than who's screwing who, and who's snorting what. You'd get sick of it too, after 6 hours of hearing nothing but lies and overexagerations.

4. It's been 2 months since I've done anything harmful to my skin. It's been a year and 3 months since my mom hasn't drank. And it's been 2 years since I've had food issues. I've been so good with keeping on track I feel so structured and stale..

5. My head is spinning. I give up.

Let's just leave it at I don't know what contributed to my horrible mood today. Let's just hope tomorrow is a better day. I think I'll call Ms. V. I need to hear a friendly voice. :)